Torn & Still On My Mind.

 

You got me just torn in between the two
(I'm torn in between the two)
'Cause I really wanna be with you (I really wanna be with you)

I wish there was a perfect way to express how I feel. I wish I could explain everything that has happened in the past couple of years. There is definitely a learning curve that happened this year. I catch myself thinking about you so often. I don't know why. 

Timing.

Everything seemed as if it had bad timing, but, sometimes, bad timing is needed to figure-out what truly needs to happen. With that said, I had to figure-out how I wanted to be treated and what's truly worth it while I was in a vulnerable state. Then, there's another man who I feel like, I could never have ill-feelings for. I guess we're toxic as well, but, love is having emotional depth. That's no excuse for toxicity, but, you have to go through it to figure if the bond can be transformed.

And, that takes work.

I'm going through a very hard transition in my life, right now, but I do believe I'm coming-out on the end of it. Things are looking-up and I'm debating hitting the road, again. Then, I worry about if the one who has my heart will even say anything, especially if I'm traveling. He might feel as if I'm not ready to settle down, which is not true. I want to be free until I settle down, and that's the bottom line. Our energy is one that I adore, because, I feel like we act like an old couple and understand each other a little better.

Then, there's you. Why do I find myself checking-up on you? I asked myself that many a time. I've concluded, it's because I'm wondering if I'm making the right decision, then, I realized, effort is a thing on both sides. So, I must have both wanting the same thing. Want me not at just my highest, want me not just at my lowest, want me when I'm re-finding myself. Want me when I'm transform and blossom into a different part of my womanhood. Love me for not what I have right now, because nothing is constant other than change.

As I build my future plans, these thoughts cross my mind and it sort of saddens me. Not just the fact it seems that I've been though so many love scenes that have fallen flat, but, it's beginning to feel that maybe I am truly am the problem and I expect too much. But, then, I find myself rubbing my feet together under my covers and enjoying the peace to be able to fuck-up in peace or not having to "ask" if I can pursue a dream I've always wanted and it will impact someone else.

It might be selfishness.

Maybe me doing selfless acts for other is another way to deflect that I can be selfish in my own situations, but, that's because I don't want to accommodate someone and be resentful because it's not done for me in return. I want someone who loves me as deep as I love them.

& Maybe that's why I haven't returned.

I haven't figure that out. But, as far as the other him, I feel like it's not much to do there but love him, if we ever get that far.

& I wanna get that far, but we don't have to, because the truth is our love is agape love, and it's all encompassing. I feel like he wishes me well for my well-being and the same is for him when it comes to myself and how I feel about him. 

& That's where I'm at right now in my life.

Torn between wanting love, my own freedom, and truly craving to live the rest of my life out with someone who shares agape love with me and wants to grow in ways only known to us.

So, I'm torn.

That's love.

I feel better after writing this and it expresses how I truly feel. It truly is what it is. It's not that I don't care or I'm nonchalant and chill about anything. I'm just OVER IT. & When you're over it, the sensationalism is gone. You just want to be loved correctly at that point.

& That's love.

Time for me to go. I have to finish studying.

Love,

Sapph💋💖💕