The Love That Never Manifested

Let’s be 100% forreal: the truth is I love you, but, we are climaxing. I’d wait for you, but, I think it would be futile.

I feel as if I’m transforming when I think about everything that happened that fateful day: I haven’t been the same since. I have been trying to make sense of it & I hope my upcoming project helps me to explore my feelings.

I break my own heart wondering things that will probably never have an answer: do you love me? Why do I feel as if it’s only platonic? Maybe it’s because of what he may think about my mental-state? Is it my intuition? But, why you? & Why do you linger? Why is it you? & I wanted to apologize for making you pissed-off that one time,… I never got to,… & Why does the thought of you loving someone else upset me the most? I wonder if he knows I always think I’m the issue? & What if, really, it’s just me being my usual crazy self?

Then, I realize, it’s easy for me to walk away because it has been a safe distance. & That’s okay.

A lot of times I feel so misunderstood & so,… I’m upset 😭,… I’m a free-spirit & we don’t do well with purple prose love. We don’t do well with being caged with a yearning heart. But, at the same time, it’s giving me artistic license,…. I’ll allow it.

Right now, I want to find my purpose as I prepare to enter my 40’s. I’m not talking about a career. I’m talking about pouring my love into someone. I’m too sensitive & too protective for certain situations. That’s why I wanted a child so bad. & Then, I start thinking of what can happen with that.

It’s like I’m in a think-tank & I need to find my next puzzle 🧩 pieces. What makes this upsetting is that, I truly do have a career, but, it keeps feeling like this is not my “true” career & I also think about my age & all my flaws,… Those thoughts fucked me up some, because I’m thinking, okay, that might be the barriers between us, but, who knows?

Then, I begin to think about my fertility issues & I get upset about that, too, & I don’t want to be 75 & fucked-up about it,… Then, I think about my insecurities are no one’s burdens to bear,… I rather push you away so you can find a more stable person to love, because I feel like you deserve a whole me, not a broken, co-dependent, & questioning me,… Not insecure, questionably, mentally-stable, & searching me,… You deserve me in a more solid capacity,...

I’m in the middle of a transformation & pivot. & I get it: a lot of people love their spouses through it all, but, that’s if they have the emotional capacity to. I found my true love, but, it’s like it never manifested. I do understand that anyone after this, is not a replacement: it’s a lesson.

Life comes at you fast & without warning,… You gotta go through weird shit to get to the amazing shit.

I’m so used to being right about the wrong things, but, I just want to be proven wrong.

But, I think 🤔,… I will continue to work on this project & continue to love on me until my puzzle comes completely together.

Life is not linear & nor is the experience.

💭-

Alana